A Toast To Evil

 A Toast To Evil (putting the ‘mega’ into ‘megalomania’)

In every underwater facility

In every old house on the hill

Or shadows and sewers of a city

In every long-forgotten tomb

In every crooked deep wood

Or in an old mansion’s secret room

In space base’s orbiting the moon’s sphere

In dark lands of ash and fire

We scheme in secret lairs

We are everywhere

We’re the evil twin that grew up without even an inch of attention

We’re the nation’s saviour who thinks our boarders need extending

We’re the spotty nerd at school who simply wasn’t cool enough

We’re the insolent Samurai-in-training who liked to play too rough

We’re the rebellious angel that was cast out and fell to Earth

We’re the alien overlord who sees this planet as his turf

We’re the one’s who rejected their predictable society

Of lacklustre, bland and compromising shelf-stacking destiny

We’re the one’s who rejected dole and bus queues

In favour of the freedom to simply destroy whomsoever we choose.

We’re not the heroes all bright and shiny

Playing at boy scouts to impress their Mummy

Defending the ordinary and infectiously boring

Simply in order to be the Number One news story

So we, the villains, are declaring war on mediocrity

With all manner of colourful variety

We’re only truly alive if we’ve got a sinister plot

We’ve got death rays and plenty of giant robots

We’ve gathered Henchmen from far off regions

And summoned armies of undead legions

Employed submarines and mechanical squids

Fused man and beasts into horrific mutant hybrids

Employed arcane magic and the supernatural

Devised grand schemes from our dark, crumbling castles

Hired assassins, ninjas and mindless goons

Drawn up blueprints for our enemy’s slow doom

We stroke white cats while you take out the trash

 We clutch at globes while you clutch at straws

We use a map to carve up nations, you use it as navigation

We take pleasure in torture, you’re happy to pay off a mortgage

We have slaves who are minions, you slave for a pension            

We feed our piranhas, you buy buy buy and feed corporate agendas

We’re grabbing the world by the throat and demanding the location of the Death Star Plans

We’re Ladies and Gentlemen of Uncivilised Sophistication, the lost and the damned

So raise your glass:

To capes, cowls, cloaks and clones

To sidekicks, henchmen and mindless drones

To laboratories, abandoned theatres and extravagant murders

To gloating, quoting ourselves and cackling laughter echoing, echoing, echoing down corridors

To inflated egos, hunchback Igors and cunningly concealed trap doors

To warships, revenge lists and a raised high, shaking fist

To top hats, looking flash in black and tying women to train tracks

To being fairly foul and foully fair and something rotten in the air

To the mad scientists and to the evil geniuses

To the war-mongers and the super-villains

To the dark lords, to the Moriartys, to the Skeletors

To twiddling your moustache, to time-travel and to elaborate death traps

To war on normals, destruct of pompous heroes and a desire for the world to fear us

So please repeat after me:

To ILL WILL

To WORLD DOMINATION

To EVIL