Rejection Doesn't Mean You're A Reject

For those of you unfamiliar with neither the tradition of non-commercial non-profit driven art-making nor putting up shelves:  DIY means Do It Yourself.  Whilst sometimes taken as a don’t-ask-for-help culture, I take it as a call to make the work you want to make and not wait for permission.

Because this has been neatly wedded in my artistic genetics, I don’t apply for jobs that often.  It also explains why I’ve never held a salaried position.  Also why poor.  Obviously I still sign up for the Arts Jobs newsletter, as well as Lane’s List, the London Play-wrighting Blog and scouring various other opportunities sites.  But I know people who are constantly putting in applications for jobs or projects, or submitting poems for competitions, pamphlets and publishers.  It’s old news, but as the old Tories policies of Austerity continue to squeeze the arts there becomes a bottleneck of applications for fewer jobs.

Last week I didn’t get to interview stage for a job I was really gunning for.  I tried not to envisage actually getting the job for fear of setting expectations too high, but certainly hoped I’d be invited to interview.  When one is faced with such news, there’s plenty of routes an anxious brain can walk.  The road to bitterness is well-trod (treaded?) for a privileged kid like myself.  Assuming that the system is rigged, or stacked against you, is not very helpful when you’re able-bodied, white, male, het and cis.  Plus it’s difficult to change in your circumstance.  Use what little power you have to undo what you perceive as a rigged system in the systems you’re part of.  This road is a sole-shredding, effort-filled uphill slog.

So the other road your brain can take is all downhill.  It starts with acknowledging you weren’t right for the job, a fair assessment.  But then why weren’t you right for the job?  Because you’re not good enough, obviously.  Because you’re not experienced enough.  Because you’re not strong enough.  Because you are good enough, but you wrote a terrible application (even if you spent hours and hours on it).  This is the road that leads to the Land of Should.  I should be at this point in my career.  I should be doing more.  I should Get Better.

The problem with trying to Get Better means feedback.  The problem with anxiety is you pile feedback onto feedback that turns into a weighted, unhelpful burdensome barrage of worries/thoughts.

Not going to lie, not getting an interview put me into a funk these last few days.  And it’s made worse by the guilt at feeling arrogant.  The shame in knowing your worth.  The disgust at yourself that you dared to think you had potential.  All the italic gut-punch flashing thoughts.

As I say, I don’t apply for as many jobs as other people in the industry do.  And everyone deals with rejection in different ways.  But being rejected doesn’t mean you’re a reject.  Shamefully my instinctive gut reaction is to give up, or make a career choice.  Obviously sometimes one needs to readdress strategies and approaches, but to swing to an extreme is never useful.  I guess what I’ve learnt is to take it slowly, to digest, to consider and to take those negative thoughts, interrogate them, breath and let them slide for the more practical package.  So as you continue walking along this over-used, exasperated metaphorical road you have your walking boots, well-resourced backpack and iPod playing your ‘Onwards!’ playlist.